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Blake

[Serious Post] 5 Years Later

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Today is the 5th anniversary of UNDERTALE. In and of itself, it's a nice thing to look back on and enjoy, but... For me, it's a bit more than that. There will be some spoilers for the game in here, but I'll try to minimize it.

I ended up seeing it for the first time later in September than its release. I'd never heard of it. Knew nothing about it. I just saw the, then married, couple of RubberRoss and Commander Holly playing it on YouTube... and I thought it looked neat. I had never heard of a game where you could choose not to kill anyone, much less an RPG that did so, and I enjoyed how heartfelt and humorous it was. So, while I couldn't afford it, an old friend ended up buying it for me around October 10th. She saw how much I wanted it, and decided to give me that opportunity. And I am... very grateful for that, to this day.

Life was really rough for me back then. Moved in with manipulative grandparents, had relationship issues for that entire year, had some even worse issues related to said relationship issues, a bad attitude that I had for years (out of fear of being hurt again, but that's not excuse), and general depression. Especially since the move cut my privacy down even lower than the previous "not much". Had some stuff stolen when we moved, had a lot of stress, no prospects... 2015 was one of the worst years of my life. At least, I felt like it was by September.

I started UNDERTALE soon after I was gifted it. The 2015 Halloween Event, which ultimately culminated in Weirdmageddon, was going on/soon to start, and I got through the game on a day I spent sick as a dog. Beat it in 5 hours, other than the "final boss" of Neutral, Asgore. Cause I, uh... kinda sold my equipment. I was aiming for pacifist, why did I need it? Oops. I then got back there in 4~ hours, and finished the Pacifist Route within 11 total hours of play time. That was my entire day... But I loved it. I even intended to play Genocide, until a certain action happened... And I spent the night that was left listening to the OST. I watched a Genocide highlight reel and got mocked by the game, which was oof... But I felt genuine love for the game. And something began to move in me. The characters felt alive. It spoke to me on another level.

A few days later, my relationship with Bree ended. I was in tatters, of course. She was the only thing that made me feel like I wasn't a total failure. Like I could be loved. Like I wasn't a monster. I just... had nothing left in me. I was empty. I made a post about it on the old site, but I just... tried to focus on Halloween (Baalmon/Beelzebumon was meh, but it was fun as me), enjoying the monster duels and such... and I still made sure Bree played UNDERTALE. She used Family Sharing on Steam to play it, and I watched her do it the whole time. I feel bad I told her about the pacifist route... But it really did help us stay close. I learned later that she looked at Asgore as me, and it... did help, I think. A lot.

But what UNDERTALE did was, despite the pain I was going through... It taught me that it was okay to open up. to not be as scared. Bree saw me as Asgore, but I saw myself as Flowey. It just seemed natural to spare him in the neutral route, and the rest of the game... Made me empathize with him even more. He was someone I saw myself in. Someone I could relate to. Someone I wanted to heal. Someone I was sad I couldn't do more for...

Halloween was a big deal, too. Thanks to the deck I had come to love (Performapal), the Monster Duels, and @(✧△✧)'s efforts as Bill Cipher in said duels/the event as a whole, the part of me that loved to entertain people, make people smile... really got to come to the surface. For the first time, a part of me I hadn't explored got to come out, and after some grandstanding as my monster, I got to be the one to wrap Weirdmageddon up. And it was... nice. I felt connected to the community for the first time in years. Like I had a place. Like... I could start moving again.

With Halloween passing, I began to actively apply to jobs for the first time. Tried to focus on improving myself. There were some major bumps, especially later October and November... plus I never heard from a job before April... But I began to move forward. I began to take steps. My time was no longer stopped. My starting line was there.

By my 23rd Birthday, Bree and  I were back together. But we also had a third! Her name was Melly, and while it took some adjusting... I loved her with all my heart.

Soon after that, I got a call back for my first job. I accepted it wholeheartedly and got to work.

After a while, I made it up to management. As the training was going, I got my license, and I began to drive. Home life got worse, overall, but I was making strides.

I came to terms with my identity. Who I am. Blake, rather than Josh. Stuff like that.

My ideals are evolving. Refining. Crystallizing. I'm learning to accept who I am and what they are, and how to use them. How to spread them.

I bought my first car... and then moved to Idaho, with Melly. And then move to Washington with her, where we are now.

While it wasn't the sole factor in things changing, UNDERTALE was my starting line. It even woke up the part of me in love with fiction to the degree I am, allowing it to shine, much like my love for entertaining... Or my buried emotions. UNDERTALE was more than just a game for me. It was a beautiful song that told me I didn't need to fear. That forgiving was okay. That moving forward was good. That... the child inside of me was always right. The ideals I had forsaken could return.

So while 2015 was largely bad... It... ended up being pivotal for me. It's been five years. I don't feel like I've gotten very far, sometimes... But I've come a long, long ways. And I'll make it there. I hope I, too, can make something like this for those who come after. I have so many people to thank, and I can't even put it into words... But to those who read this, who have had that impact on me, who have been by my side... Thank you. And to those who won't read this, I hope that this sentiment reaches you. 

That's all. I just wanted to say my piece for today... Because it's the anniversary of my favorite game. Favorite song. Starting line. Many, many things. And I am so grateful for the existence of UNDERTALE... Here's hoping Deltarune continues development smoothly.

Happy Birthday, UNDERTALE. ❤️

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