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Blake

Blake's Takes

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Welcome, welcome, welcome to my meat lair.

I, uh... I mean to my little corner of the internet where I talk about my opinions on things in a barely filtered ramble. I spend a lot of time in my head philosophizing and theorizing about the world around me, the nature of identity, the human condition, fiction as a whole, the deeper nature of concepts like sin, and things of the like, and there seemed to be non-zero interest... Never really traditionally blogged before, so here goes nothing.

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Well, I said all that, but I'm kinda getting cold feet trying to decide what to ramble about first... But maybe I'll start with fiction.

@PhoenixOfCute, @Kazooie, and I just finished watching a series based on the idea of characters existing within our world. While the premise is, honestly, probably a bit cliche... But the metafictional aspect ended up adding a lot to my thoughts over the past few weeks that we watched it over.

Other than attempts when I was newer to creative writing, I ended up  looking at the worlds and characters I created as if I was... the god of that world. That I controlled the world, and it was my duty to my creations to lead and support them. Of course, this started as mostly a sentiment in the back of my mind, and I took a long break from creative processes... But it ended up growing more and more with time, until it reached that point. I had control of the universe. The characters. Their abilities. Their stories. I had to be responsible, and treat them like humans. Show them the love of a benevolent god, a parent, and always do my best for them.

But, more than that... I treated my characters like actual people. Some more than others, but as time went on, more and more of them. To the point that I cried the first time I killed a character off. A villain of the week. Who had just premiered. Killing them on screen just... broke my heart. I brought them into existence. I made their world. And I... let them die. Let them suffer. And that hurt me.

For my main story I'm working on/have been for the better part of a decade, a friend who was helping me wanted me to include a trans character. And while I was dating a trans person and wanted to be supportive I just... the idea of making someone with that suffering built-in rubbed me wrong. It made me scared. I didn't want someone I made with love to be born in a form that didn't make them happy. Just... cruel to do that to them. I've gotten past this, for the most part, with time, but... it just... scared me.

Time has made my thought of treating MY characters as real beings grow to the point of treating things others have made the same way. Someone made them. Some creators are cruel. Some are kind. Some are merely forces of nature. Some aim try to make the world and story interesting. Some just use the story as a mark that they existed. There are so many reasons for worlds coming into existence... yet they don't matter to the reality of those worlds.

I believe in the ability to create as a divine blessing, so to speak. The ability to create as we were created. Sure, that ties into my faith, but I think the idea is solid even to people who aren't religious. It's the idea that the worlds that we create, the stories we weave, the characters we give birth to exist, even if only in our own minds... Or, especially, in the minds of those who consume our stories. Art. Music. I'm most inclined to the storytelling aspect of creation, but I feel all of these are a deeply beautiful experience that we, as humans, are blessed to have...

And what we do with it matters.

A number of stories I've read, watched, or seen tackle this topic. Good metafiction tackles the idea of the world beyond the screen being "real" in some capacity. Undertale, Re:CREATORS, and a number of other series, which I shall not tackle for fear of spoiling. The latter of those two is the series we just finished, and, well... It opened my eyes up to some things I hadn't considered.

For example, as the creator of a world, I should try and enrich it as much as possible. Its own stories or myths. Making sure the food and drink in the world are enjoyable and vibrant, not just stock items to fill up on (credits to Redwall's author here, that man fucking describes some food). And... I shouldn't let my own curses infect them too much. It's so easy to infuse your own suffering or sadness into your world, and while it can be cathartic to do so... I shouldn't let my world become consumed with my own shortcomings. Regrets. Fears. It's such a delicate but beautiful balance that needs to be struck. But, all in all... I just go back to a certain phrase.

"Fiction has meaning."

I truly, deeply love fiction and creation in all of their forms. Their expression. The new worlds they create, that are real to their creators, if not others. The sensations they elicit. How they can help people. Touch hearts. Change lives. And I really aspire to be someone who can make that kind of fiction one day.

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I know this wasn't super coherent, but I'm just... sounding out my mind. Trying to sort my thoughts after finishing the series, and fiction seemed like a great place to start.

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The parts of "making the best world and work for our characters" and "transferring our sufferings into the worlds we create" resonated on me in a way. You know, I once gave it a shot to RPing, but I didn't like how things were developing. I later realized I made undesirable choices, to not say mistakes, for my character. Back then, my self-steem was rather down, and when creating the character, I couldn't avoid making it a reflection of myself, and hopefully he would have the story growth and success that I have wanted for myself for so long. I made him smart and skillfull but humble and shy, and my vision was for him to grow as the RP developed. Instead, I saw it falling in similar pits as I did in my earlier stages of my life (e.g. he was bullied, and although I can't say I was bullied, for most of my time as a student I didn't exactly feel like I belonged and didn't have a circle of friends to fall back onto, and that shakes up one's mind in other ways), and I learned... that's not how characters are done. You have to make them strong, idealize them, not make them work for a better life but give them that better life from the get-go, and climb higher from there. In comparison, the fellow characters in that RP were much more bold and started strong, some were even called prodigies. I realized I was so concerned with creating an annoying Mary Sue/Gary Stu trope character that I ended up with whatever is the opposite. Nowadays, I just wait for the proposal of a One Piece RP so I can give a shot to a sick character I have had in my head for a while. I would love to see others try to bully such character, then.

Edited by Summer Darj

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2 minutes ago, Summer Darj said:

The parts of "making the best world and work for our characters" and "transferring our sufferings into the worlds we create" resonated on me in a way. You know, I once gave it a shot to RPing, but I didn't like how things were developing. I later realized I made undesirable choices, to not say mistakes, for my character. Back then, my self-steem rather low, and when creating the character, I couldn't avoid making it a reflection of myself, and hopefully he would have the story growth and success that I have wanted for myself for so long. I made him smart and skillfull but humble and shy, and my vision was for him to grow as the RP developed. Instead, I saw it falling in similar pits as I did in my earlier stages of my life (e.g. he was bullied, and although I can't say I was bullied, for most of my time as a student I didn't exactly feel like I belonged and didn't have a circle of friends to fall back onto, and that shakes up one's mind in other ways), and I learned... that's not how characters are done. You have to make them strong, idealize them, not make them work for a better life but give them that better life from the get-go, and climb higher from there. In comparison, the fellow characters in that RP were much more bold and started strong, some were even called prodigies. I realized I was so concerned with creating an annoying Mary Sue/Gary Stu trope character that I ended up with whatever is the opposite. Nowadays, I just wait for the proposal of a One Piece RP so I can give a shot to a sick character I have had in my head for a while. I would love to see others try to bully such character, then.

I understand where you're coming from. I do. Most of my time spent creating has me seeing parts of myself in my characters, especially those used in RPs.

But, that's just it. They're made with parts of me, not a mere reflection. And I greatly enjoy letting them become themselves. Sure, I supply the breath of life and the base for the clay, but as the table spins, I hold my hands only near it, as to keep the clay from falling apart... Yet able to find its own shape. I find great joy in my characters growing beyond my basic ideas or expectations for them.

And I don't think there's anything wrong with infusing yourself into the character or making them less than perfect. You can ask just about anyone I've RPd with, most of my character suffer. A lot. I don't give them a perfectly happy setting from the getgo... But I plan to walk by their side so they can eventually get there. Orphans, victims, former murderers, identity and self-worth issues, trans, fear of failure, abusive homes... It isn't a crime for them to be weak... Only to abandon them to that weakness, to figure out their own way up. As I said with the clay, I continue watching it so that it doesn't fall apart, not so that I can shape its form. I trust my creations to find their way forward, to become who they're meant to be, with their creator at their backs, ready to catch them when they fall.

 

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I see what you mean but then, are you actually having fun with that? In the context of RPs, I thought they are supposed to be close to a game, for relaxing and escaping reality if only for moments. And yet... I found myself more anxious than anything, not knowing what would happen next, what would other participants do, and what would happen to my character, especially when it is deliberately flawed. At one point it was taking away from my sleep. If you have fun with that, then most likely RPing is just not for me.

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That’s a matter of perspective. For many, it’s a game. For others, competitive writing. For me, it’s collaborative storytelling... where I see it from the eyes of the character I’m guiding.

I wouldn’t even say so much “fun” as “enjoyable”. I don’t treat it like a game, but I do treat it as creating something new. Letting people see my “child” go through the journey I set them on. For me, it’s all about my creation’s story or supporting someone I care about.

However, that’s my stance. I’m not the only person on earth, and my view on it doesn’t change yours. For me, it’s not really a thing to pass time as it is to create more and more, and I genuinely enjoy that process, most of the time.

Everyone gets stressed or burnt out at times, though. It’s not always sunshine and rainbows, and other people can be frustrating... or their characters can be frustrating to deal with. But it’s all part of the experience.

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 ♪ What is the number one reason for a day off work in Australia? ♪

DEPRESSION ATTACK DEPRESSION ATTACK

(have some actual music)

I mean, ignore that I'm not Australian, but... yeah? Episodes can come on so strong out of nowhere, and you're just stuck in a deep, dark pit, desperately trying to find a way to cheer up, claw your way out, anything. But you just... can't. The recipe needed for freedom from that soul-crushing state of being changes each time. Sometimes distractions can help, other times they make it worse. Your loved ones can be the key, but they might also be the source. And in that case, it's even worse because you may want to say some things, but... you worry no matter what you say, it might come out wrong.

Depression makes it hard to function in general, especially beyond what is "required", like school or jobs. Your usual joys and interests can feel grey and dull. Any things you need can feel like a burden. And, well... I guess I'm veering away from just depression into intrusive thoughts.

Thoughts of being a failure. Thoughts that my efforts will never be enough. That I'm just a waste of space, time, money. Thoughts that I'm arrogant for so much as having hopes. Thoughts that no one really respects or cares about me. That I'm a third wheel. That I'm a freak. That people won't ever understand me, because I've taken steps on a path people consider strange. That I don't have enough time. And it goes on and on. So many dark, dark thoughts that haunt me and prod me, either at random or constantly.

I've been depressed for... pretty much the past two whole days. Stuff coming up this week, lots of stuff going wrong Monday, and letting my insecurities get the best out of me and drag me down to the depths. And it's so hard to push forward or be happy. Even being with the girls, I just... feel guilty for being a wet blanket and just sitting here tonight.

I know I need to climb out. That I need to overcome this. That I should trust the voices in my head being lies. That the kind words people give me are truly kind, not just an attempt to ease their conscience over someone as worthless as me, but...

It's hard, y'know? It's really, really hard to believe the things people say to me. About me. Except the negative things.

Hopefully this passes soon...

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1 hour ago, Blake said:

That isn't true at all! It is not wrong to hurt!

You must be quoting some kinda genius, here.

This was a really special entry. I'm very glad I took the time to read it before bed.

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Read the whole thing, and while I may not relate, I for sure know that you're not alone.

Hell, when it comes to a depressed state, the feeling of not being motivated to doing anything outside of work and errands is something I've felt for nearly a decade now, but at no point have I ever went through any sort of trauma caused by abuse. That's usually where I wish I could relate in some way just to be able to understand their pain. Hell, some days I wish I was a starving child in Haiti for the same reason, but I acknowledge the fact that that's a silly way to think.

All things considered, I have been very fortunate with how my life has turned out and I should be grateful, but my inferiority complex opens my eyes to those who are less fortunate and gives me a reason to reach out and support them however I can, if not just because of how unfair it is to have not chosen that life.

Seriously, I wish I could help more than I am able to, but I know you can do this! You've gotten this far, so as you said: keep pushing!

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Faaaaaaair warning! There will be some spoilers for Bojack Horseman in this blog entry. I will try to keep them from being obvious, but please be warned. Thank you.

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This one's gonna be a bit of a follow-up to the last two. Namely, the idea that comes after the stage where you experience those things.

Feelings of spite. You'll prove how you can do it. They were wrong about you. You'll show them.

Feelings of worth. Maybe you deserved it. Maybe you are bad. Maybe you have to work so much harder than everyone else to be even decent.

Feelings of meaning. If you had to suffer, it must mean something. It was just a test. It will culminate in riches. Victory. Success. After all, what was the point if it doesn't end up... paying off, so to speak.

And that's the main one I want to talk about. The idea that... all of the pain and suffering you experience somehow leads to something. As if you will, due to having to experience that, have a happy ending. Or use it as fuel.

... but that... isn't how life works. It doesn't amount to anything. It doesn't have to lead anywhere. It's just a shitty thing that happened to you. And, like accepting that it happened in the first place, this is a difficult pill to swallow. Our minds are not geared in a way that favors accepting that the past, present, and future are not truly linked.

It's such a sad fact. In a story, these sorts of things lead somewhere! They're the thing that makes us want to see that character overcome, succeed, prove themselves! The world can be written to facilitate their pain as an outlet for growth!

Life does allow us to grow through these things, but... it's suboptimal that they happened in the first place. And we have no guaranteed reward beyond the lessons we glean from them. And that fucking sucks. There has to be something that makes it worth it. There just HAS to be. Otherwise, it's hard to even continue on, all because of the past.

I mentioned Bojack earlier, and I want to touch on a character from it... Last chance to avoid spoilers.

 


Diane Nguyen is arguably the deuteragonist of the show. She's introduced as a ghost writer for the titular character's memoir, but she ends up staying around and becoming one of, if not the most, important characters.

But that isn't what's important. Her personal journey is.

Starting from a life in Boston that she never connected with/felt put down by, not to mention negative experiences garnered for no reason other than WHAT she was, she just locked it all away deep in her heart. Holding it tight. Anxiety, impostor syndrome, and other issues consuming her. Yet, she holds tight to that pain. That suffering. Those anecdotes. She'll make her own memoirs, her own autobiography one day, and use her experiences directly to change things. That pain had to lead somewhere. Mean something. If it didn't... why was she even alive? Why did she have to hurt? Why did she have to carry this around with her? Why did she have to write something painful like this?

And, the truth was, she didn't have to. She could just write something fun. She loved writing, but was so desperately trying to use it to tell a story that related her experiences, she ended up burning out on it and failing to make any progress at all. Opening a document, staring at it all day, rinse, repeat. Until she was able to let go of the idea that her pain didn't... mean anything on a cosmic scale.

 


As loathe as I am to admit it, she is probably the character I related to the most, despite not wanting to. Because I felt like she went too far at times. Because it was uncomfortable to relate to her. Because of resolutions like the above, which are terrifying to confront. Because of the fear that I could end up needing help with my issues, instead of just... being better. And it's scary.

This isn't some philosophical talking point like before, but... my thoughts, laid bare. And maybe I should follow those footsteps, scary as they are.

I need to learn to let go of this pain and suffering in the past. Being bound by these chains isn't helping anyone, much less myself. So I just... need to make a more conscious effort to break these fetters. Wish me luck.

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I think learning that pain and suffering doesn't have to mean anything is something you learn when you begin to compare yourself and your situation to the greater scheme of life.

 

Not that you suffered for no reason, but that it didn't happen because of some grand design. And tbh it's sad but it's a relief too.

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15 minutes ago, Comrade Duck said:

I think learning that pain and suffering doesn't have to mean anything is something you learn when you begin to compare yourself and your situation to the greater scheme of life.

 

Not that you suffered for no reason, but that it didn't happen because of some grand design. And tbh it's sad but it's a relief too.

Yeah... it’s just hard to reconcile it. We’re each the hero of our own stories, whether we feel/act like it or not... And it’s really hard to wrap your head around the fact that there isn’t something good waiting around the corner for you.

It’s especially hard to look at something you love that used that part of you... and realizing that you should put it down. Not for anything it did wrong, but the fact that you aren’t able to weaponize or utilize that pain.

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There isn't a grand design that leads you somewhere from pain, but in my experience, pain leads directly to the hardest lessons you will ever learn. It teaches you something that will be with you forever. Whether that be acceptance, the importance of relationships with other human beings, or some other third thing because I don't have all the answers, it matters very little. It is just about the journey of how you get through this. For some, the fog will not end for some time. For others, it is right around the corner. But for everyone, all we can do is never stop fighting it, because wallowing in your sadness doesn't help you out of the fog.

Thank you Blake. You made me realize that I was falling into a depression, or something similar to one. I hope writing about your issues makes it easier to deal with, because it certainly helped me.

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Huh... been a bit longer since I posted than I realized. But, well, here I am again.

And I've just been... angry, since the last time I was posting. Nothing but event after event going wrong, environments that seemed good changing for the worst, negligence, and so on. I just... have no idea how to release this anger from inside of me.

Expressing it in the moment feels good. At least, as good as expressing something akin to rage can feel without becoming destructive. Even with just my angry ranting, I still worry I'm hurting people with what I say. I don't want to make someone's day worse just because I'm upset. But I... I feel so small. So unimportant. So betrayed, on so many fronts. My chest hurts, swirling with anger and sorrow, and it's like there's a clog preventing them from draining out of me, yet I don't know what it is.

I've... struggled with anger issues in the past. It's likely why I'm having trouble now, because I trained myself to control my anger. So that it wouldn't become true rage. So that I wouldn't lash out. So that I wouldn't hurt anyone with it. To the point I fear myself if I become angry. I know that's probably not healthy, but when push comes to shove... I had to do something. I had to find a way to control it. It's not like before when I just tamped it down, and I do have the ability to act on it healthily at times... But when you're in a position with no power. Where the hands to help you up are barely trying. When you're talked down to and treated like shit for no reason, because someone shows their true, manipulative colors... What can you do? How can you use your anger in a way that works well, without ruining what you mean to say? Without giving the wrong idea?

... I don't know. Everything is in flux. I hate power, but I also hate being so powerless. No idea when I'll get my car back. No idea when I'll have any vehicle at all. No idea when I'll be able to go to the store to buy groceries again, despite having no food. No idea why my job went from decent to hellish in the span of two weeks.

I just want to gnash my teeth. To scream. To rant. To vent. To change something... but I have nothing. I can do nothing. I'm stuck here burning in rage and despair, trying to get it out of my system in a productive or, at least, non-destructive manner... but I just don't know. I hope things take an uptick soon... I could really, really use a break from the stress weighing me down...

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Anger management only had a mild effect on me. While anger should be controlled, it shouldn't be built up. It has to be vented and relieved. Otherwise, you turn into an explosive. That's dangerous for everyone.

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On 2/8/2021 at 3:16 PM, Comrade Duck said:

Anger management only had a mild effect on me. While anger should be controlled, it shouldn't be built up. It has to be vented and relieved. Otherwise, you turn into an explosive. That's dangerous for everyone.

I've worked with people that literally have a small room in their house just to go into and vent. It's packed with soundproof material on the walls and there's a punching bag/bust set up. I've known a couple drummers that just jam out for the same reason. They say it's very effective.

Hell, one of my cousins got married a few years ago, and her husband got her a punching bag for the basement cause he knows she needs to let off steam from the work she does. And now they have a dog and a daughter, so she might be using it even more now, lol

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Time for a ramble that is not totally dissimilar from a review! "Ready to" find out?

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Yes, the acclaimed furry anime from last year. @Kazooie was recommended to watch it by a friend, and knowing the little I did about it, I had no objections to it. So we kinda just... binged it today. 

BNA: Brand New Animal is a 12 episode series about Michiru Kagemori, a human girl who has somehow been turned into a beastman, human-like beings that can shift into anthropomorphic animal forms. Or, rather, the animal forms are their base form. Think dragons in many sorts of mythologies. Anyway, we meet her trying to escape to Animacity, a safe haven for beastmen within Japan. The rest of the country teems with anti-beastmen sentiments and terrorists, so it's all she can do to survive, other than staying in her room back home. After arriving, she meets a wolf beastman, and the story continues from there, exploring the underbelly of the city and events surrounding it. The first episode feels way more like a prologue than an actual episode, but that's a nitpick. Now, before I continue on to the meat of the post, let me meander for just a moment.

I've criticized series like Eden of the East in the past for being sociopolitical commentary that forgets it's meant to be a show that people watch. For all the good points it brought up (supposedly, haven't watched in like 8 years and try my best to block it out) about Japan and society at whole, it just... didn't. It didn't. It didn't have compelling characters, it didn't have an interesting or well written story, it didn't have memorable music, the only lasting thing I remember was the abundance of the phrase Noblesse Oblige. It came across preachy and witless, rather than actual commentary. It's the most boring anime I've ever watched.

Brand New Animal blew its fellow sociopolitical commentary series out of the fucking water. Let's start with lighter stuff.

The very start of the OP that plays when you fire the first episode up has stuff like Dogway and Bud Walrus, just little jokes like that peppered about. On top of this, there are some more blatant, but funny, bits that show up. Like in Episode 5, which has a baseball plot, there was a bear that I asked "wait, why do they look like Pooh Bear?" About that... But yeah, the series has plenty of humor. Like using the animation to have a character get bounced up and down by someone hitting them into the ground. Which... is funnier when you see it than when I say it. But you get the point!

For actual story and pacing... It's mostly episodic, but there is an overarching plot. But the pacing on that steady plot advancement, as well as most episodes, is rather well done. It never really feels rushed or like it's dragging, with the exception of the last 3 episodes. That's... probably the biggest issue with the series. BNA needed between 2-4 more episodes to really fit it all in. Episodes 2-9 felt expertly paced, but then 10, 11, and 12 were, well... Rushed puts it lightly. The ideas and twists within them make sense, but the execution and timing makes it feel kinda like it jumped the beluga. It's sad, cause I think i would have given this an almost perfect score up until that point.

As for animation and artstyle... I'm not really the enby to ask, as a rule of thumb, but I enjoyed it. The first episode felt very 80s Anime, with the vaporwave turned up to 11. It was very striking in a great way, and later scenes feel very fluid. I did notice, especially in later episodes, that there were a lot more weird stills than I think were needed, but that's just a nitpick from me. I think the character designs were also spot on, both human and animal forms. Characters wore their hearts on their sleeves in either mode thanks to design decisions, and it made the world feel vibrant, despite being a fairly generic city setting at most points. For a fun fact, while Bree and I knew Michiru was a girl from the start, @PhoenixOfCute (and @(␀) who told me as such over Discord) couldn't tell if Michiru was male or female at a glance, and the choice in voice actress didn't exactly help. I just think that's neat.

Next on the docket, we have characters. While many characters stand out in a great way, the two leads, Michiru and Shirou, manage to lead the pack by far. Both of them feel like they grow a lot as people throughout the 12 episodes, with some rather shocking, yet logical, decisions being made by both of them. They also play off of each other extremely well, in a way that reminded me of Ace Attorney characters. If I had to compare them directly to characters, Michiru is kinda similar to Kay Faraday, while Shirou is reminiscent of Simon Blackquill, albeit a bit less snarky. Overall, cast is strong.

So that leaves the message that the show wanted to share. Honestly? A lot. Racism, trafficking, and kind lies, just to name a few. And, while the racism theme is probably the second strongest... The biggest message is about individuality. Identity. Not in the sexual or gender sense (though there was a subtle bit relating the two), but just about how we view ourselves and the world at large. How we fit into it. How others perceive us. It's mostly done through Michiru in less blatant ways throughout the series, with the beginning and end being obvious, but it still stands out as the message, to me. That no one is simply the sum of their parts, defined by what others see or believe. That the choices made FOR us are not things that we should be defined by, should we not wish to be. It felt very progressively minded as a whole, but never felt preachy. MC does have a little bit of limelight she grabs, but when given an opportunity to get preachy, she only does so ONCE. When trying to do a pep talk, so it still doesn't come across as preachy. I really, really appreciate the approach they took here. I only mentioned a few of the lessons, but there are more that they explore, and I think they're handled well.

All in all, I would absolutely recommend BNA: Brand New Animal. It's not perfect, probably earning around an 8.5/10 from me, but it has so much heart, so much good execution before the rushed finale that I can't help but appreciate it. There are times when it was almost gutwrenching, times when it made me tear up, but it's not the most heartbreaking story. Just mildly heartbreaking!

All in all, good story beats and lessons, great cast, good music choices (though i didn't touch on that, oops), and very pleasing to the eyes. I absolutely enjoyed this experience, and I'm glad that Bree brought the recommendation up. Time to pass it on!

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As one of the other people that watched the show with Blake I have to give the show credence that it was very obvious what lessons it was trying to go for by episode 2 or 3 with a very interesting look at individualism. But it never felt preachy about it and even past that has a collection of characters that all mesh and interact well off of eachother.

And since Blake never got to it, I will. The OST for Brand New Animal was probably a high point of the series, as there's at least one track that will stick with you each episode, be it the anxiety-inducing track from Episode 1 or the melody that leads you through the climax. I'm not great at music stuff but I can appreciate how well put together it was. 

I suppose I have a different favorite character from @Blake and @Kazooie, but honestly I think something this show did an amazing job with was explaining situations from all sides of the story in an understanding way. Granted, one of those sides suddenly backpedals into a completely different motivation with practically no fan-fare and to say the reveal was jarring would be putting it lightly. And regretfully, not in a good way. Some of the last few episodes sadly try to pack every character's motives into 2-minute fragments at best and 10 seconds of screentime for the reveal at worst. And even -then- I'm not going to fault those at all, as antagonists during the previous episodes easily put out what they were about, their motives made sense, and I'm still ridiculously upset about a villain I genuinely -liked- getting shafted by the writing practically feeling forced to jump the shark with them.

If you can handle that and want an anime with -ridiculously- well-crafted protagonists and interesting uses of powers, ideals, and background characters where one episode literally made me -sob- for a drunkard coach that only shows up in that episode, you'd probably enjoy Brand New Animal.

Oh and it probably helps that Blake's been listening to the opening track non-stop.

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I was holding on to responding to this until I got my thoughts together, so I think I'm gonna try to keep this brief.

It was a good show with a rushed ending. That's not to say it was... Bad? The ending made sense, logically, but with the speed they explained things, it felt rushed and unfulfilling to a degree. Watching the characters interact in that situation was still enjoyable, and the path they went down did make 'sense', but it didn't make sense in the context of what they had already established, if you know what I mean.

If the show had two, three more episodes, it could have reached the ending a lot, lot more organically. I think the same ending, with more build up to it, would have made sense, but at the same time, I don't think you can cut off the early episodes that seem 'fillery' because they establish what kind of world you're in very well, and have some important character moments in them too. So that leads me to thinking it just needed a few more episodes... Cause the pacing was alright prior to the final few episodes.

I'm biased though. I've gone on the record saying that, for me, I think the most important part of any series is the characters. Characters need to be solid, likeable or at least understandable. And I loved the main cast and the majority of the supporting characters in this show. I have a hard time picking a favorite character.

It's not perfect, and I wish the ending had more time to be fleshed out, but it's a show I'm glad that I watched.

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It's been a while, huh? Sorry about that. Life became a bit much for me for a while. Still kinda is, but... I wanna say a thing here. Kinda a follow up to an earlier post... the one about abuse.

Even more than abuse, itself, is the desire to talk about my greatest wall. Greater than overcoming perfectionism. Greater than learning to love myself. And that is... Well, why don't I use a reference?

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The idea that, no matter how much effort you put in, no matter how hard you try, no matter how much gnashing of teeth occurs... Sometimes, you cannot overcome that wall. Some people won't listen. They'll stay on the path they're on, and your actions will fall short. Even some who know you're right, though that's not my current situation.

I talked about my abusers in the past post, and conveyed my experiences with them and my general stance on it. But I... even then, I was still making excuses. Defending one. Refusing to call them anything of the sort. Mistakes had been made, but that didn't mean I had been abused! Right?

Well... no. Sometimes we give people we love far more leniency than we should. In fact, it's quite common with domestic abuse. Believing in someone. Hoping for the best. Always trying to mend things when they begin to fall apart, no matter how bad it gets. That's your role. That's your spot. Because you love them. It doesn't matter that things repeat. Cycle. You're doing your absolute best.

Sometimes, distance makes the heart grow fonder. Makes it easier to forgive the bad and embrace the good. Smooth things out, y'know? You aren't as exposed to it, so it makes your brain tie it together. You were just overreacting back then, tensions were high...

But what happens when you return? What happens when you go back and the maelstrom is still in place? Quiet, at first, to lure you in and make it seem safe... with a terrible storm waiting as soon as you begin to let your guard down. Ready to slice you apart. Refusing to acknowledge the chaos that it, itself, is.

I've suffered from rage issues in the past, as I've said. I put a lot of work into answering and coping with those things... And even though stress can get me a bit hot under the collar, I can mostly manage it. Not perfectly, but better than before, with no risk of major outbursts of any kind in years.

Imagine almost making it back to those outbursts because of being exposed to a bad situation once more. Having almost all of that rage brought to the surface thanks to that terrible tempest you walked into. That terrifying, ugly anger, and realizing... That it isn't you.

It doesn't make the rage okay. It doesn't forgive it. But it... It's comforting to know that the rage issues weren't just me. That the effort I put in was for a good cause, but not just who I was as a person. It's so, so relieving.

For the actual things that occurred, I could go on for hours. Multiple conversations conveying what was happening, what was going on... All because I was blind to the situation I had left behind. Convinced myself it wasn't so bad, as those in abusive situations often do. But sometimes... sometimes...

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You cannot overcome the "relentless killer". You cannot change their mind. You cannot ease their heart. You can only do that which you are capable of and leave it at that. You cannot serve from an empty bowl.

And letting that maelstrom win. Letting it keep roaring, in your face as you've faltered in front of it... Makes you feel so weak. Like you should have been stronger. You failed. But that's not true! No one is strong enough to take everything on their shoulders, to mend and fix and smooth out every last detail! Not one person alive can do that, because... You can't hold your standards to someone else. They can only hold their own to themselves.

I don't know if there's a point to this. I don't know anything, right now. I just know my heart hurts, it wants to mend, to heal, to fix. But I have to tell it no. It can't be the only thing putting in effort anymore. It has more than enough on its plate without that. Yes, it hurts... It hurts like hell. But it's time to let go. Move on. Forgive myself... for falling short. And hope for the future.

 

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Here we are, again. And what will I be discussing today? Well... Myself, I guess. This is absolutely going to be incoherent rambling, just warning you.

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I'm stupid. I'm a liar. I'm useless. I'm a fraud. I'm weak. I'm a freak. I'm mean. I'm a monster. I'm hateful. I'm a sinner. I'm ungrateful. I'm a coward. I'm wrathful. I'm a fraud. I'm not special. I'm a bother. I don't deserve love. I don't deserve forgiveness. I don't deserve to live. I'm selfish. I need to be less selfish. More selfless. Dig deeper. Find more. Give it away.

These thoughts and more go through my head on the regular. Some more than others, but... The general sentiment remains. I don't know how to escape these thoughts. I don't know how to think of myself in a positive light. Part of this is due to my upbringing, which was a mishmash of "you are so smart, kind, amazing, etc." and "your personal wants don't matter, only your needs". And that meant physical needs, not emotional. It ended up... making me feel like I only existed for other people. I only existed for the sake of bettering life for others. Like a savior complex, without the actual confidence in myself to back it up.

"Everyone experiences emotion the same" is a phrase that keeps coming back to my mind. I was told it when I was a pre-teen, and it was said with good intent, but... it was so wrong. It only served to push me further down the path of feeling like there was nothing special about me, only what I could do. That I was only lovable as long as I did well. To the point that I gave up trying in school because it felt like I only received love when I performed... and that I hoped against hope it wouldn't be true. Yet it felt like... a lot of love faded as I stopped doing well. And it only encouraged me to delve further into fiction as an escape and means of forming connections that made me feel... alive.

I digress. This is more about introspection and the thoughts that... exist within my mind. And how I'm trying to take the steps to overcome them, no matter how frightening and painful they are.

So let's target some other more particular thoughts... For example, I conflated a lot of Christian songs, be they rock music or otherwise, with love songs. And, for a long time, I could never understand why... I thought that way. Until a friend pointed out that the sense the songs gave them as a sense of purpose. That I seemed to be viewing love and purpose as the exact same thing, rather than two separate entities that sometimes overlapped. Because, for as long as I can remember, all I ever wanted was to have a family. Married to someone. Some of my earliest memories involve me declaring I wanted to be married ASAP. And the more cut off I became from the world, the more these negative thoughts consumed me... The more I became absolutely fixated on it. "This will be the thing to make me happy. It has to be. I just need someone to love me for me. To want me."

... Ridiculous, right? But how could I have known? I was raised to be codependent, so codependent I became. My entire sense of self being based around a need to be loved. Need to be good. Need to measure up. Need to be wanted. I was willing to sacrifice anything if it meant that I was truly loved... Ignoring that to sacrifice a part of yourself for love means nothing of the sort. But I was young and hurting.

Another thing is how I've always been bad at making friends. I had very little interaction with people my own age before I started going to school (2 kids, with one in NC and one in WA), so I ended up just... not knowing how to act with people. I knew how to be the perfect child, how to be smart, how to behave, to the point I ended up helping grade quizzes/tests in first grade... But... I had no idea how to interact with other people my age, really. I had a couple friends, but nothing major... and going further forward, I only ever seemed to have friends that made fun of me when anyone else was looking. Treating me like a stepping stone, a buffoon to get their own social status higher... But what choice did I have? I was a weirdo. Who would want to be friends with a weirdo? I was lucky to even have friends at all... Not that I actually did. Some of them have tried to contact me over the years, but it never went anywhere. Empty promises. This extends to certain family, too, but...

This and the love thing have led to a long life of believing I'm the problem. Of shouldering any and all pain and suffering, and allowing myself to be the villain if it meant that things could remain as they were. Or, even if I was the victim, to turn the other cheek constantly. It made life easier, right? It was okay if I suffered. I deserved it. My wants didn't matter. Only my needs. If I suffered, others could lead a happier, safer life. So just shoulder it. Just press on.

I still do that. I still shoulder as much as humanly possible. Hell, more than I can take. Because, the more I can handle, the more others don't have to handle. The better I perform. The better "grade" that I make. I've been scolded for it at work (over three jobs) multiple times, because I try so hard to be perfect and do everything that... It's almost like I don't trust others to do the job. And I overburden myself. But I don't know how to let that yoke go, because that yoke is my "worth". Knowing that said "worth" is bullshit is half the battle... But overcoming the way I've been programmed in order to survive is difficult.

I am also a being of emotion, rather than logic. That's not to say that I lack logic or the ability to be logical... But that I am more ruled by my emotions than by my logic. It makes it very, very difficult to overcome this hurdle of needing to be perfect in order to survive, needing to entertain, needing to support... Because, for all the logic others tell me, all the logic I tell myself, my heart still aches. Still feels that need. And it goes beyond just this need.

I constantly feel the need to blend in. To not stand out. To appear completely and totally "normal", so as not to draw anyone's gaze. Did you know I'm actually afraid of people looking at me? I'm learning to be better about it, but it makes me incredibly uncomfortable for most people to look at me. It feels like I'm being judged. Hated. Ill will wished upon me. Even if it's a total stranger. And it makes it so hard to overcome my inhibitions... Because I was raised to be "normal". Because I need to be "normal". I even strove to be normal, because my interests constantly made me someone on the outskirts of groups, if I even made it into any groups. Because I was weird. Because others weren't into those things. Even within context of Y/NCM, it's difficult to be truly uninhibited. Every move I make, like this new pride month avi seen above, takes... a lot out of me to work up the courage for. As if I haven't been out here! As if I haven't talked about being non-binary, as if people don't know! Because it's "weird"! It isn't "normal"! It makes me a "freak"! But it's... my individuality. At least part of it. And if I'm honest, coming to terms with my identity and celebrating it is absolutely the single most beneficial thing to happen to me... Well, maybe other than being broken up with, but that's another topic.

When I came to terms with being an enby? The euphoria was enough that, for the first time in my life my brain allowed me to call myself a good person. That, despite all I had tried to do, all the pushing forward, all the shouldering, everything, that moment was what allowed me to be a good person. Not the love of others, the love for myself that I had never truly felt before! But as time goes and the excitement became the mundane... It faded. My struggles returned. Moving made them come back even stronger. And I seriously hurt because, despite being asked to be called they/them, many people just didn't... So, last June, I made an avatar for Pride Month.

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This one right here. To show that... I was serious. That I wanted to be seen. I wanted my individuality to be respected. And because... I was so tired of trying to be "normal". I slip back into that need for "normalcy" often, but I'm learning to overcome that. Slowly. Wearing clothes that are less inhibited, like shirts from series I enjoy. Indulging in hobbies. Buying things such as a pendant that means a lot to me.

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Or an Undertale face mask, that says to Stay Determined, because life is hard right now. For everyone. And I'd rather have a positive message than "FUCK THE GOVERNOR, FUCK THE STATE, FUCK THE GOVERNMENT" because of masks.

I'm... trying. Trying to escape this shell. I think I do decently around here, but I don't love myself. Because loving myself would be arrogance or egotism. And I need to be selfless, of course. I'm here to help others, not myself. And it's so hard to escape that.

I try to be less inhibited, but every action I take that would cause me to draw someone's gaze in public... makes me fearful. What if I look like a freak? What if they think I'm weird? Fucking random strangers, and I worry like this.

And I value my empathetic nature, my compassion, so much. I don't dislike it. I just... dislike that I can't have a nice thought about myself without it turning into hate for being prideful.

I... don't know how to love myself. Even with the glimpses I've had of self-love, I still don't understand. I depend on external sources of love. And I know that's not healthy. I want to overcome it. I want... to be complete. Without leaning on the love of others to complete me.

My boss suggested I go to Codependent's Anonymous, which I didn't even know existed... But I couldn't find a meeting I could make when I looked. The longer it takes, the less likely I'll be to go through with it...

I don't know. I want to feel a sense of healthy pride. I want to love myself. I want to embrace my individuality. My sense of self. But I don't know how. And I really, really wish I did. I no longer wish to be "normal", except in dark moments. Still, I spiral so far into the depths of despair and self-loathing, without any idea of how to break free. Even for the smallest mistake.

I'm sorry to be depressing. I... I just don't know. Anything. Maybe this is a cry for help. Maybe it's just clawing at old wounds. Maybe it's digging deep in the hopes that my suffering may be put to good use. I don't know, but... here I am. This is me. This is Blake.

I just wish Blake could love themselves.

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I know who I am. I'm Blake. Lover to Melody and Bree. But you know what? Thanks to a little help from something I'm currently watching, as well as the themes it's been exploring, I can go further.

I love how I want to help those who are hurting. How my first response is to try and be there for them, to empathize with them, to ease their pain.

I love how much I pursue optimization with the things I make. Stories, ideas, decks. I always seek improvement, I always seek to do better.

I love how in tune I am with fictional works. That I can use them to examine both the work and myself, to parse them as if they were reality. To see them as what they were to their creator(s).

I love my creativity. I love the characters I've breathed life into, and I want to see where they can go.

I love my passion! Sure I can be obsessive, but... I also apply it to learning more, doing more, sharing and connecting with others! Burning bright!

I love my faith. I love that I have not lost it even as I question, because I can ask questions freely without simply living in fear of the answers.

It's not a lot of reasons. And it's a bit difficult for me to... truly come up with a lot of reasons... But...

I love who I am. And this is my first step towards the future where I can hold onto that.

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