Blake

-Awakening-

April awoke from the nightmare with a start, eyes wide. She had never had a dream like that! Hell, she had only recently started having dreams, but this one felt more... real, somehow. And like she wasn't alone within it. Everything had changed so much recently, everything was so... exciting! Yes, despite the deep dread that the dream had instilled in her, April's face had a wide smile plastered onto it. Could something that powerful truly exist? She couldn't even began to imagine it! But maybe, just maybe, she could find out!

Hopping out of bed, the girl stretched and hummed, heading straight to the door... before about facing with a laugh, having realized she almost walked out the door naked. That would have been quite the adventure!

-----

-Investigation-

April really wasn't sure what the big deal was. A spirit was in this big company building, but the man who hired them seemed so scared. Why? These things happened all the time, surely someone with money would know about it. But oh well, this was how people survived day to day, so she just had to do her job, yeah? That said, others in the crowd were interesting, especially the guy who spoke up... Or so she thought! Instead, she found something that almost made her jaw hit the floor... Well, if anatomy worked that way.

Rushing over to him as he followed another girl, April bent down uncomfortably to keep eye level with Hari as she walked.

"You're human, yeah? I can tell! How'd you get stuck in there!?" she giggled gleefully, rather than derisively, "I know spirits possess humans, but this is the first time I've heard of a human possessing something else!"

raincoats are nice 

"Reeaaaoooooo!" the elemental made an inhuman, angered, noise. "You say Chosen? Ah.. Ahhhhhh! You are a puppet. Of the council!"

"Mm? I cannot say I have heard of any council... But a leader cannot allow any harm to come to their fellow chosen ones! Miss Salvo, perhaps I can use your assistance, after all. Catch!"

The shifter spoke, ejecting Melissa's unconscious body from their back. Once the girl began to fall, the dragon-humanoid body shifted more, blue metal plates appearing over their body as the heat approached. Forming a suit not unlike sentai, albeit with dragon horns poking out the top and crystalline hair still flowing behind, the shifter pulled clapped their hands together... And steam came pouring out of the joints of the suit and mask, the pressure from the sudden expulsion blowing away the flames coating the elemental's bony hand.

"It is absurd that I would lose to the first foe," the feminine voice came out, still as calm as before, "Especially when I have been granted even more power than before!"

Of course, the elemental's onslaught continued, but the shifter met it head on, slamming their armored right claw up into it with all of their force, smiling softly the whole while. Why, victory was a foregone conclusion here. She was a chosen one, after all.

Devin grit their teeth as they felt Melissa go limp once again, pulling to a stop in place as they took a deep breath. Just keep her safe. Follow the plan. That's all they needed to do. They could do it. Of course they could. After all, they were...

As the shifter tried to gain more control of themselves, the shifting set in. More speed. More power. More lures. And so it began, their hair grew longer and crystalline, their ethereal wings began to take on a form of flesh and bone, filling in as they became leathery dragon wings, and a tail grew out, dragging down to the ground below, tip flicking absently. With only that much happening, Devin could feel their mind splitting a bit. This wasn't the right form. What if they acted out? What if they didn't take care of Melissa? What kind of hero would do that? But now wasn't the time. With a flap of their new, powerful wings, they took off, flying erratically to attract the sharks as much as possible with their dragging tail. They locked eyes on the elemental as the part of them holding Melissa began to grow diamond-like scales, hoping it would keep the girl a bit cooler.

All they had to do was lure the sharks. The others could handle the behemoth after the sharks were out of the question, especially with that new girl appearing. Devin flew straight at the elemental after they decided enough sharks were pursuing them, and everything seemed to be going well...

But, isn't that boring?

The voice caught Devin off guard, their head feeling more like splitting than before. They didn't have to be cowards. They could prove how strong they were. Who the true hero was. Their face shifted a bit, becoming more pale and feminine as they approached the elemental, a confident, but calm, smile on their face. Charging straight at the point that Trevor had weakened, their arm suddenly shifting into scaled dragon claws, just in time to slice at the area free of flames.

"Why, we don't need any help, Miss Salvo," a more refined, deliberate voice escaped Devin's lips, "I have this all under control. I am a chosen one, after all!"

15 minutes ago, Comrade Duck said:

I think learning that pain and suffering doesn't have to mean anything is something you learn when you begin to compare yourself and your situation to the greater scheme of life.

 

Not that you suffered for no reason, but that it didn't happen because of some grand design. And tbh it's sad but it's a relief too.

Yeah... it’s just hard to reconcile it. We’re each the hero of our own stories, whether we feel/act like it or not... And it’s really hard to wrap your head around the fact that there isn’t something good waiting around the corner for you.

It’s especially hard to look at something you love that used that part of you... and realizing that you should put it down. Not for anything it did wrong, but the fact that you aren’t able to weaponize or utilize that pain.

Faaaaaaair warning! There will be some spoilers for Bojack Horseman in this blog entry. I will try to keep them from being obvious, but please be warned. Thank you.

-----

This one's gonna be a bit of a follow-up to the last two. Namely, the idea that comes after the stage where you experience those things.

Feelings of spite. You'll prove how you can do it. They were wrong about you. You'll show them.

Feelings of worth. Maybe you deserved it. Maybe you are bad. Maybe you have to work so much harder than everyone else to be even decent.

Feelings of meaning. If you had to suffer, it must mean something. It was just a test. It will culminate in riches. Victory. Success. After all, what was the point if it doesn't end up... paying off, so to speak.

And that's the main one I want to talk about. The idea that... all of the pain and suffering you experience somehow leads to something. As if you will, due to having to experience that, have a happy ending. Or use it as fuel.

... but that... isn't how life works. It doesn't amount to anything. It doesn't have to lead anywhere. It's just a shitty thing that happened to you. And, like accepting that it happened in the first place, this is a difficult pill to swallow. Our minds are not geared in a way that favors accepting that the past, present, and future are not truly linked.

It's such a sad fact. In a story, these sorts of things lead somewhere! They're the thing that makes us want to see that character overcome, succeed, prove themselves! The world can be written to facilitate their pain as an outlet for growth!

Life does allow us to grow through these things, but... it's suboptimal that they happened in the first place. And we have no guaranteed reward beyond the lessons we glean from them. And that fucking sucks. There has to be something that makes it worth it. There just HAS to be. Otherwise, it's hard to even continue on, all because of the past.

I mentioned Bojack earlier, and I want to touch on a character from it... Last chance to avoid spoilers.

As loathe as I am to admit it, she is probably the character I related to the most, despite not wanting to. Because I felt like she went too far at times. Because it was uncomfortable to relate to her. Because of resolutions like the above, which are terrifying to confront. Because of the fear that I could end up needing help with my issues, instead of just... being better. And it's scary.

This isn't some philosophical talking point like before, but... my thoughts, laid bare. And maybe I should follow those footsteps, scary as they are.

I need to learn to let go of this pain and suffering in the past. Being bound by these chains isn't helping anyone, much less myself. So I just... need to make a more conscious effort to break these fetters. Wish me luck.

"I see, I see... What else can I learn from this?"

 ♪ What is the number one reason for a day off work in Australia? ♪

DEPRESSION ATTACK DEPRESSION ATTACK

(have some actual music)

I mean, ignore that I'm not Australian, but... yeah? Episodes can come on so strong out of nowhere, and you're just stuck in a deep, dark pit, desperately trying to find a way to cheer up, claw your way out, anything. But you just... can't. The recipe needed for freedom from that soul-crushing state of being changes each time. Sometimes distractions can help, other times they make it worse. Your loved ones can be the key, but they might also be the source. And in that case, it's even worse because you may want to say some things, but... you worry no matter what you say, it might come out wrong.

Depression makes it hard to function in general, especially beyond what is "required", like school or jobs. Your usual joys and interests can feel grey and dull. Any things you need can feel like a burden. And, well... I guess I'm veering away from just depression into intrusive thoughts.

Thoughts of being a failure. Thoughts that my efforts will never be enough. That I'm just a waste of space, time, money. Thoughts that I'm arrogant for so much as having hopes. Thoughts that no one really respects or cares about me. That I'm a third wheel. That I'm a freak. That people won't ever understand me, because I've taken steps on a path people consider strange. That I don't have enough time. And it goes on and on. So many dark, dark thoughts that haunt me and prod me, either at random or constantly.

I've been depressed for... pretty much the past two whole days. Stuff coming up this week, lots of stuff going wrong Monday, and letting my insecurities get the best out of me and drag me down to the depths. And it's so hard to push forward or be happy. Even being with the girls, I just... feel guilty for being a wet blanket and just sitting here tonight.

I know I need to climb out. That I need to overcome this. That I should trust the voices in my head being lies. That the kind words people give me are truly kind, not just an attempt to ease their conscience over someone as worthless as me, but...

It's hard, y'know? It's really, really hard to believe the things people say to me. About me. Except the negative things.

Hopefully this passes soon...

"Well, if you don't want to come towards them, then I guess I should come towards you!" 

"That's more like it!" As Tsubasa made her move, a toothy grin spread across the panda's face. Rather than taking the hit head on, she moved slightly, her stance changing enough for her to pull a leg back... And kick Tsubasa with enough force to send her flying into Sun, if he wasn't prepared for it. She quickly returned to her previous stance, cracking her neck and laughing.

"Nah, this is a fight between a 'villain' and some 'heroes', words are useless!"

-----

"a distraction like that doesn't mean much if the follow up simply isn't there, Kemuri. As for you, Seigi, a flying attack when you have no means to maneuver or defend yourself is more dangerous to yourself then your opponent. Just think of what might have happened if I had a more lethal or forceful quirk."

Diana's fist met the ground, but it didn't hurt too badly. She could take at least that much. But the failure on Natalia's end was bad. Sure, they had Yumi on backup, but as the teacher pointed out, stalling against her could only do so much. Picking herself up and regaining her bearings, Diana looked at the state of the other two that had joined the front lines with her, and realized something very, very important. Maybe, just maybe, she could be of help after all.

"Even if you had a more lethal quirk... [It wouldn't change a thing]!"

The student gripped the lance as tightly as she could in her left hand, pulled it back... And threw it with at the briefcase with all of her might. If her theory was right, then all she had to do was follow it up! Running after the weapon, Diana slid down, moving to sweep Hemlock's feet from under her. Either she could be their win condition... or it was hopeless anyway.

"Wait, I-"

Before the shifter's protest could fully escape their lips, Melissa had already gone slack in their arms. With resignation, their body began to reform, creating a harness to hold the unconscious girl. The rest of their body followed suit, head turning about on their shoulders so that Melissa hugged their neck from behind, rather than from the front. They couldn't do much with her in this state, especially with that thing of hers out and about. Would moving too far away disable it or hurt her? After all, it was a fairly common idea that a soul and a body being too far apart was a bad idea. As the situation began to get to them, Fen's actions caught their notice. The sharks seemed to follow her motions... Maybe, just maybe, they could do the same?

Flying down to the edge of the Ophan's area, Devin instinctively tightened Melissa's harness... Then began to fly quickly with a great flap. As they did, their hands began to shift, their fingers becoming like vines that reached to the ground, trailing across the sand. If the sharks could sense movement or vibration, then something like this was bound to grab their attention, right? With the occasional flick of their wrist to give the motion a more lifelike quality, Devin looked back up to the Ophan, giving it a nod.

"I-I'm not sure if you can hear me, Melissa... but I'll lure them. I don't wanna risk hurting you or abandoning your... summon, so I trust you can take them out!"

That’s a matter of perspective. For many, it’s a game. For others, competitive writing. For me, it’s collaborative storytelling... where I see it from the eyes of the character I’m guiding.

I wouldn’t even say so much “fun” as “enjoyable”. I don’t treat it like a game, but I do treat it as creating something new. Letting people see my “child” go through the journey I set them on. For me, it’s all about my creation’s story or supporting someone I care about.

However, that’s my stance. I’m not the only person on earth, and my view on it doesn’t change yours. For me, it’s not really a thing to pass time as it is to create more and more, and I genuinely enjoy that process, most of the time.

Everyone gets stressed or burnt out at times, though. It’s not always sunshine and rainbows, and other people can be frustrating... or their characters can be frustrating to deal with. But it’s all part of the experience.

2 minutes ago, Summer Darj said:

The parts of "making the best world and work for our characters" and "transferring our sufferings into the worlds we create" resonated on me in a way. You know, I once gave it a shot to RPing, but I didn't like how things were developing. I later realized I made undesirable choices, to not say mistakes, for my character. Back then, my self-steem rather low, and when creating the character, I couldn't avoid making it a reflection of myself, and hopefully he would have the story growth and success that I have wanted for myself for so long. I made him smart and skillfull but humble and shy, and my vision was for him to grow as the RP developed. Instead, I saw it falling in similar pits as I did in my earlier stages of my life (e.g. he was bullied, and although I can't say I was bullied, for most of my time as a student I didn't exactly feel like I belonged and didn't have a circle of friends to fall back onto, and that shakes up one's mind in other ways), and I learned... that's not how characters are done. You have to make them strong, idealize them, not make them work for a better life but give them that better life from the get-go, and climb higher from there. In comparison, the fellow characters in that RP were much more bold and started strong, some were even called prodigies. I realized I was so concerned with creating an annoying Mary Sue/Gary Stu trope character that I ended up with whatever is the opposite. Nowadays, I just wait for the proposal of a One Piece RP so I can give a shot to a sick character I have had in my head for a while. I would love to see others try to bully such character, then.

I understand where you're coming from. I do. Most of my time spent creating has me seeing parts of myself in my characters, especially those used in RPs.

But, that's just it. They're made with parts of me, not a mere reflection. And I greatly enjoy letting them become themselves. Sure, I supply the breath of life and the base for the clay, but as the table spins, I hold my hands only near it, as to keep the clay from falling apart... Yet able to find its own shape. I find great joy in my characters growing beyond my basic ideas or expectations for them.

And I don't think there's anything wrong with infusing yourself into the character or making them less than perfect. You can ask just about anyone I've RPd with, most of my character suffer. A lot. I don't give them a perfectly happy setting from the getgo... But I plan to walk by their side so they can eventually get there. Orphans, victims, former murderers, identity and self-worth issues, trans, fear of failure, abusive homes... It isn't a crime for them to be weak... Only to abandon them to that weakness, to figure out their own way up. As I said with the clay, I continue watching it so that it doesn't fall apart, not so that I can shape its form. I trust my creations to find their way forward, to become who they're meant to be, with their creator at their backs, ready to catch them when they fall.

Welcome, welcome, welcome to my meat lair.

I, uh... I mean to my little corner of the internet where I talk about my opinions on things in a barely filtered ramble. I spend a lot of time in my head philosophizing and theorizing about the world around me, the nature of identity, the human condition, fiction as a whole, the deeper nature of concepts like sin, and things of the like, and there seemed to be non-zero interest... Never really traditionally blogged before, so here goes nothing.

-----

Well, I said all that, but I'm kinda getting cold feet trying to decide what to ramble about first... But maybe I'll start with fiction.

@PhoenixOfCute, @Kazooie, and I just finished watching a series based on the idea of characters existing within our world. While the premise is, honestly, probably a bit cliche... But the metafictional aspect ended up adding a lot to my thoughts over the past few weeks that we watched it over.

Other than attempts when I was newer to creative writing, I ended up  looking at the worlds and characters I created as if I was... the god of that world. That I controlled the world, and it was my duty to my creations to lead and support them. Of course, this started as mostly a sentiment in the back of my mind, and I took a long break from creative processes... But it ended up growing more and more with time, until it reached that point. I had control of the universe. The characters. Their abilities. Their stories. I had to be responsible, and treat them like humans. Show them the love of a benevolent god, a parent, and always do my best for them.

But, more than that... I treated my characters like actual people. Some more than others, but as time went on, more and more of them. To the point that I cried the first time I killed a character off. A villain of the week. Who had just premiered. Killing them on screen just... broke my heart. I brought them into existence. I made their world. And I... let them die. Let them suffer. And that hurt me.

For my main story I'm working on/have been for the better part of a decade, a friend who was helping me wanted me to include a trans character. And while I was dating a trans person and wanted to be supportive I just... the idea of making someone with that suffering built-in rubbed me wrong. It made me scared. I didn't want someone I made with love to be born in a form that didn't make them happy. Just... cruel to do that to them. I've gotten past this, for the most part, with time, but... it just... scared me.

Time has made my thought of treating MY characters as real beings grow to the point of treating things others have made the same way. Someone made them. Some creators are cruel. Some are kind. Some are merely forces of nature. Some aim try to make the world and story interesting. Some just use the story as a mark that they existed. There are so many reasons for worlds coming into existence... yet they don't matter to the reality of those worlds.

I believe in the ability to create as a divine blessing, so to speak. The ability to create as we were created. Sure, that ties into my faith, but I think the idea is solid even to people who aren't religious. It's the idea that the worlds that we create, the stories we weave, the characters we give birth to exist, even if only in our own minds... Or, especially, in the minds of those who consume our stories. Art. Music. I'm most inclined to the storytelling aspect of creation, but I feel all of these are a deeply beautiful experience that we, as humans, are blessed to have...

And what we do with it matters.

A number of stories I've read, watched, or seen tackle this topic. Good metafiction tackles the idea of the world beyond the screen being "real" in some capacity. Undertale, Re:CREATORS, and a number of other series, which I shall not tackle for fear of spoiling. The latter of those two is the series we just finished, and, well... It opened my eyes up to some things I hadn't considered.

For example, as the creator of a world, I should try and enrich it as much as possible. Its own stories or myths. Making sure the food and drink in the world are enjoyable and vibrant, not just stock items to fill up on (credits to Redwall's author here, that man fucking describes some food). And... I shouldn't let my own curses infect them too much. It's so easy to infuse your own suffering or sadness into your world, and while it can be cathartic to do so... I shouldn't let my world become consumed with my own shortcomings. Regrets. Fears. It's such a delicate but beautiful balance that needs to be struck. But, all in all... I just go back to a certain phrase.

"Fiction has meaning."

I truly, deeply love fiction and creation in all of their forms. Their expression. The new worlds they create, that are real to their creators, if not others. The sensations they elicit. How they can help people. Touch hearts. Change lives. And I really aspire to be someone who can make that kind of fiction one day.

-----

I know this wasn't super coherent, but I'm just... sounding out my mind. Trying to sort my thoughts after finishing the series, and fiction seemed like a great place to start.

I'll agree with that. The sauce for Pizza Hut tastes like they use more paste than others, because those bright acidic notes and sweet notes come through a lot more, and that's really the biggest pull for me.

That and I like the garlic butter for the crust.

honest is bad

dark honest is bad

card is legitimately like 10+ years too late

Give me the right one, coward.0

14 hours ago, Thar said:

Okay, so I ordered Pizza Hut recently and I'll be honest, it wasn't really much different. Both tasted the same to me. Maybe if I order the same pizza from both and compare them side by side, I'll be able to have a better opinion, but I honestly, at the end of the day, they're both fast-food pizza joints that cost way too much to order from anyway.

I am curious what would happen if both delivery persons arrived at the same time, though. Kinda tempted to do it just for that, lol

@PhoenixOfCute and I had both recently. We both agree Pizza Hut was greeeeeatly superior.

I have no idea what Domino's aversion to actually using pizza sauce is.

3 hours ago, yui said:

Why yes, (this fine gentleman) does enjoy the simple things in life. As do I. For example, using Raider's Wake to discard someone's only hand card right before I die, leaving them alone in the same room as an undefeated Atarka.

The gentleman I am quoting does not share his wishes even though I just wanted to get a land with them ;_;

recycler is probably the best  target because generic strong cardd, but this is still nutty

why the fuck does it have 2 different searchers

i have been told i'd be the professor

realistically i'd be the one living with the crazy bird lady

Just now, LordCowCow said:

peace sells

but who's buying

i buy peace and goodwill hi

46 minutes ago, radio414 said:

B4$

exactly my thoughts

A4@