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Everday [Original]

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Everyday,
Someone is born,
Someone dies

Someone wins,
Someone loses
Someone fights,
Someone truces

Someone promises,
Someone breaks a promise
Someone's nice,
Someone's naughty

Someone laughs,
Someone cries,
Somebody says goodbye

Day after day,
Night after night,
Someone is something

But for all I know
I love you to the top
My love will grow
And it will not stop

We'll see all
We'll hear all
We'll know all
We'll love it all

And as we get old,
my heart will grow
I love you my dear,
for I will not go

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OK, I know this is super pedantic, but... I think you mean "Every day" rather than "Everyday".

Anyways, I'm not too well versed in poetry, but I do enjoy editing, so I thought I'd drop my two cents here. If I'm gonna be honest, certain aspects of the poem feels pretty muddled:

Issue 1: Consistency in the lines. Having "Someone" becomes "Someone's" then changes back to "Someone" throws things off. Line 9's length also throws things off. Keep things consistent -OR- break all forms of consistency. This kinda leads into the second issue...

Issue 2: Random rhyming/non rhyming. Stick to one or the other, OR if you want both, make an obvious transition spot between the unrhymed lines and rhymed ones.

Issue 3: Word association + idiomatic expressions. Not that big here, but you generally want to avoid using idiomatic words/phrases as it takes a person out of what you are trying to say. For me, one of these was "nice...naughty".

 

Sorry if I sounded too negative about this. I really like the short stanza structure and the content seems to reflect what you wanted to say very well. I just hope that I was helpful in giving you ideas to tweak it to make it even better!

Cheers!

 

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