My biggest experiences in my life that I seem drawn to want to re-experience, at least ruminate the idea that I could have done something different and made the outcome better than what I wanted are the ones where I have failed myself, more than I have have others or anything like that. The closest place in my mind that I can recall, where I failed myself, was when I fell in love with this girl, about two (almost three) years ago and I lost her. We started dating around October, she would see me on campus talking to everyone and everything. I got a nickname before I even met her, she called me "friend guy" just because I seemingly was friends with everyone and everyone was friends with me. This took a step further when she saw me show up to a friend's performance at a local coffee shop, turns out this girl was my friend's friend growing up. My nickname became cemented. I didn't talk to her until a few days after, actually got rejected by another girl at the same event in one of the nicest manners.
Well, I got rejected and was used to that. This was like the third time I thought I found someone I fell for in that semester, the first only dating for about a month from End of August to end of September. Well, this girl came up to me and started talking to me before I even said a word to her. She saw me walk to class, like she normally does, and walked up asking about her friend and how I knew her. I got her number, shooting her a text that was not something I normally do. I just asked her, "What's something that you're smiling about right now?". I was out for the night with friends, but I was glued to my phone that entire time. We talked for about 4 hours back and forth, just through the phone, and I would see her the next day. Same time, same place.
We saw each other so often that I never asked her on a date until her birthday was coming up, and I asked her out. I wanted to celebrate her birthday even though I was only talking to her, really. We spent the night talking, I got to know her. And it was that moment that I felt my most romantic self. I didn't just want to date this girl, I wanted to be someone who would be worth dating. Someone she would see herself with and would want to be with. I started going to church to get more acquainted with my spiritual side, wondering what kind of affect she was having on me. I didn't know and I had to, not just because of who she was but because I put myself and my happiness onto someone . I have never done that before.
We start seeing each other casually, go on car rides and just spend time together. I never wanted to officially ask her out because I didn't feel like I was the type of guy that was ready for her. It strained me, and all the time we spent together I wanted to prove myself, even if I just acted like myself. Then, around November 30th, we went on a walk around campus and we just talked, genuinely talked, that in such a way that I wrote a poem about. I never gave her that poem until it was too late. There's a lot more that I could go into right now, but that might have to be a part two. Since we were still casual, I was still dating other people since I was just being myself. She learned of this, step one of the downfall. The official collapse of everything was around March, and it was more than just because I was dating other people. But I couldn't face myself. Then, I saw her fall in love with someone else as I was falling out of love with myself.